Dear Blue Candy

Hey! You! You roly poly, blue bastard,

I don’t know who you think you are, or what you think you’re doing, but this behavior is completely unacceptable. You were close enough that my fingertips brushed you, yet not so close that my touch didn’t stop you from rolling deeper.

And then you sit there, just out of reach, taunting me, taunting the cat, even the dog.

We discussed this on Day One and you agreed, no more roly poly bullshit. You would accept your fate and I wouldn’t be sitting here, writing this to you now.

But Noooooooooo, can’t follow through on our agreements, can you?

How you hooked yourself around that metal bar so that even the vacuum can not reach you is admirable, but it’s pissing me off.

Seriously. I bought you and your brethren, and you all have but one job to do. But no. Instead you sit there, hiding, and expect me to let this slide.

I don’t think so.

Your tagline, if I remember this correctly, is to melt in my mouth, not in my hand, and certainly not into the Berber carpet underneath my super heavy recliner couch yet I see it, the blue dye expanding beyond your initial arc.

I felt it when you bounced off of my leg. I know you thought you were being sneaky, but no one is sneakier than I. I knew exactly what you were doing and where you were going – like a kid creeping out of a bedroom window except, you know, bouncing between couch cushions.


Consider this game on. For the rest of my life, I will consider it my mission to eat your kind into extinction. Good luck, you roly poly, blue bastard.


One M&M eating author.


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