Please, Buy a Thesaurus

Hi everyone! Day 29 of the #AKwritingChallenge is upon us. I’m sad thinking of the end but, fear not, you and me! We’ll be continuing with the #WingWritingChallenge the very next day. I’m quite pleased.

If you’d like to play with us, I’ll post a picture of the challenge on my first posting, and it’ll be all over AK Lawrence FaceBook Page. Please, feel free! We’re changing it up and instead of doing actual questions, it will be one to two words that we riff on. It’ll be a blast!

But first we must finish the #AKwritingChallenge so here we go:

The author that you hate with a passion that knows no bounds appeared in front of you, what’s your first question?

I figure this is fair since we did the same question with our favorite author. I find it interesting that everyone was good with naming names for that one, not so much for the dislike. I’m not calling anyone out, not the participants in the challenge.

I will, however, call out James Patterson and Andrew Gross. Yes, my friends, you are getting a two-fer. I’d throw in a third but she has nothing to do with these two so I suppose I’ll hold that one in reserve for another time.


But, AK, James Patterson is a best-selling author! He writes great books with intriguing characters! How can you not like him?

Easy – apparently he’ll put his name on any schlock that crosses his desk without reading it thoroughly. I’m assuming he didn’t actually help write The Jester. I sorta doubt there was a decent editor involved. I hope Patterson didn’t do any of the writing. If he did, I have to imagine he’s embarrassed.

When I couldn’t remember who the second author was I went to Google and it told me. Reviews popped up. I’m so, SO glad I’m not the only one who wondered what Patterson was thinking. Any review that starts out with, “The only nice thing I can say about this book is that it is a book …” makes me wince but was accurate as far as I’m concerned.

There’s a story that goes along with this. In the early 2000’s my mother and I were selling used books on eBay. We got into that right at the height and it was awesome! We used the cash to go on a cross country trip to buy books.

Talk about a fabulous bonding experience! Mother and daughter in a car for three days? It was cool as hell, I won’t lie. After a while we ran out of things to talk about and the radio only played Christian music, or talk radio. Neither of us were really into that.

We stopped at one of those bigger truck stop plazas and they had a bin of audio books and other tapes/CDs of comedians like Jeff Foxworthy and a few others. It caught our attention. We hadn’t listened to that many audiobooks, really.

We had one called Chasing the Dime by Michael Connelly that we both enjoyed so we took a chance. We picked up The Jester because I had been reading Patterson’s Cross series and really enjoyed it. The series was starting to become slightly outlandish, but Patterson was in his prime then.  I didn’t notice the much smaller name on the cover. I wish I had.

One, I believe it was written in the first person. It’s sad that I can’t recall but it seems like I remember the character using a lot of I phrases. And not just I phrases, but consistently the same phrases over and over and over and over and over and over.

I was so angry! I was furious! I was angry! I was sad. I was distraught. I shouted angrily!

My mother tried, we both tried. Finally it became too much. I don’t think we finished it. Perhaps if I had been reading instead of listening it would have been better, but I doubt it. I read fast, a bit of a scanner, but I retain what I read so that would still have stuck out to me.

If that had been a drinking game, I would have died from alcohol poisoning.

Bright side: the person that performed the reading is one I enjoy. If he’s on a label I am more likely to borrow whatever audio book from the library. I don’t buy audio books because I can’t scan read, but I like them when I crochet or any other project that requires two hands. Or road trips. Lots of road trips in my life, lots of audio books.

I was so agitated by this book that it made me realize how formulaic the Cross series had become. I never picked up another Patterson book, nor will I.

The guy who’s name I couldn’t remember? Yeah, his either.


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